What is love? The question has preoccupied us not only since Haddaway's 90s Eurodance anthem “What is love?”. If you believe the Duden, it is a “ strong feeling of attraction”. The ancient philosopher Plato described it as "a serious mental illness". Mathematicians could at least squeeze this mental illness into an eternally long formula with which one can calculate the duration of the (not quite so eternal) love . From a medical point of view, love is often traded as a chemical cocktail: In addition to serotonin (“I'm totally in a good mood”) and dopamine (“I'm perfectly happy.”), Especially oxytocin (“I want to be close”) plays a major role here - the so-called “cuddle hormone” ensures attachment or loyalty and functions as a kind of social paste. But isn't love so much more than a strong feeling, a mental illness, a formula or a chemical cocktail?
Hugo Schmale should know - not just because he is a professor of psychology, doctor, author and philosopher. The man from Hamburg developed the matching process and the personality test for Spaceship and is therefore considered to be the co-founder of Germany's largest partner exchange. Schmale also works with formulas when he wants to bring people together who have never met in person. He doesn't seem to think much of mathematical equations that encompass all love. In an interview he revealed to the Tagesspiegel: “Love cannot be found according to a formula. But a formula can help you find love more easily. "
Of similarities and opposites
Professor Hugo Schmale understands love as a combination of different factors. In the interview he says: “Love consists of layers that have to be viewed separately from one another and that are always connected in a new way. The Parship questionnaire determines 28 layers. "
When two people meet, these different layers collide. If this is to become love, the layers have to somehow fit together - but to what extent? Matches naturally play a major role - for example when it comes to the desire for closeness and distance. Schmale explains: “At this level, both partners should be approximately the same. If one wants to hold hands 24 hours a day and the other five minutes, that doesn't work. "
However, similarities and similarities are by no means everything. With a few billion potential partners in the world, a small difference can make a huge difference. Opposites seem to attract to a certain extent. According to Schmale, two singles who have completed the Spaceship personality test 100 percent the same do not match. Because in such a relationship there would be “nothing more to negotiate”. Only through a deficiency (which one would like to compensate for) can strength arise between the partners.
Info video: Prof. Dr. Hugo Schmale explains the Parship Principle®
Love in technicolor?
Those who seek love are often looking for something that doesn't exist. We long for limitless, passionate and eternal love that is everything - just not boring. We want tragedy as in “Romeo and Juliet”, friendship as in “Harry & Sally”, independence as in “Casablanca”, fun as in “Mad About Mary” and love beyond death as in “Titanic”. The following may sound harsh now: There is no such thing as love and life is seldom a technicolor musical. This is how Hugo Schmale sees it: “Love is an expectation that ultimately cannot be fulfilled”.
This expectation of love is dangerous. But what is much worse is that we have become lazy. When it comes to love, we want the full program: Disney films and porn - romance, singing animals and sex. However, we hardly want to invest anything in it. Hugo Schmale compares our current image of love with nutrition: food is something mystical that we love. After all, we crave cooking shows, but are hardly behind the stove ourselves. It is very similar with romantic love: Because it has become too complicated for us, “Rosamunde Pilcher has to realize it.”
Another side effect of our expectations: As soon as we have found our better half, many of us don't know what to do with ourselves. Perhaps this is how humans are made simple: Always looking for new goals. And as soon as the to-do list has been processed, we look for new challenges, wishes and soap bubbles. Hugo Schmale sums up this disenchantment and bitter disappointment quite well when he says: "Nothing is more dead than a wish fulfilled."
How do i find love
So what can we do? Perhaps we should put our ideas of love to the test and correct them for now. So say goodbye to Disney movies and porn. Question your expectations. As Hugo Schmale already says, our wishes and ideals are "not innate, we learn them." Those who stay realistic will usually be pleasantly surprised. And maybe you'll find a love in Technicolor after all. But maybe monochromatic shades of gray are an option too.
In addition, you should always be yourself when looking for love . Never try to be someone else, just accept yourself for who you are. One of these wisdoms of life, which has been dug up again and again, says: Only those who love themselves can love others. Sounds trite, but it's true. Those who are dissatisfied with themselves often expect their partner to fill a gap that can only be closed by yourself. So try to get to know and love yourself better. Hugo Schmale explains it in the Tagesspiegel interview : “How should I choose someone for myself if I don't know who I am?”
Maybe when it comes to love, you don't expect a Disney movie. And maybe by and large you are reasonably satisfied with yourself? Then you just need the right partner. In the best case, you harmonize 80 percent and complement each other thanks to the differences. If you are still looking, you can register for free with reputable dating agencies. Here you will be helped by psychologists and experts like Professor Hugo Schmale - and they really seem to know something of their craft.